the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
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