i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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