If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
