smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
