I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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