She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
