Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
this will be a night to untag.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize