I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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