the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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