so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
