he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Actions speak louder than pants.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
