A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
