We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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