and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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