I accidentally burped into my bong.
I skipped work to stalk him.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
