I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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