weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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