I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
