I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
