and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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