So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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