Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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