it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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