She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
