hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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