Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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