i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize