You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
