who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I wish there were birth control emojis
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
