I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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