Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
