dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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