pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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