dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
