When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Randomize
