y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
