I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize