I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
They have beer where we have blood.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
