I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
