I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize