So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
