I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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