I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
