still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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