Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize