How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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