the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
