The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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