He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
