I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize