why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
