Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Randomize