I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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