his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
smell my finger.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
