I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
