The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
