Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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