So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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