She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
