You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
