so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
