i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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