my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
