Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
