Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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