yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
