Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
