I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
