I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
