The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
FUCK WHALES
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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