She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
