I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
