Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
