Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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