How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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