Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
