I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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